


love hurts, love scars

by KatieWho



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Andrew Plays the Guitar, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Meredith is sad, Merluca - Freeform, They're both hurting, andrew is sad, missing scene for 16x07, post 16x07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:40:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21559486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieWho/pseuds/KatieWho
Summary: “Do you want me to leave?"Andrew’s words break the silence and Meredith turns her head so fast it hurts. “Please don’t.” The words leave her mouth without her really thinking about it and she stares at him.
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Andrew DeLuca
Comments: 3
Kudos: 70





	love hurts, love scars

**Author's Note:**

> At first I need to thank the ever-wonderful [cartoonheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cartoonheart/works) for her immense help in bringing me back to writing and posting! I'm grateful for her beta, as this would've been full of spelling mistakes otherwise! She also encouraged me to post when I wasn't sure if it was any good. Thank you my dear!!! <3
> 
> This is set somewhen post 15x07, after Zola had her surgery and Meredith told her sisters she's "waiting for her gut to tell her". As if she doesn't know already.  
> I hope you enjoy reading!

She’s just walked out of the shower when she hears the quiet melody of a song being played on the guitar.  
Her day’s been long, with what her lawyer had told her (she never thought she’d actually have to go to jail and part of her might regret some of what she’s done) and she’s aching for her bed. She knows Andrew’s helped with putting the kids to bed, remembers his soft voice when he spoke to Zola right before she entered her room. They’ve gone quiet then, Andrew smiling at her daughter before leaving them alone together. She’d been worried sick the whole day, even after Zola got out of the OR fine, so she took longer than usual to tell her good night. So long in fact, that Andrew came back up again to see if they were alright.  
It’s a different ache now that’s filling her chest when she thinks about how well he’s fitting in, the kids at times even asking for him when he’s not there to say good night. Those are mostly the nights he has to spend at the hospital working. She knows he always tries to talk to them whenever he can’t make it in time and it warms her heart to think about her kids with Andrew. It hurts as well, but she tries to shake that thought from her mind for different reasons. Meredith also knows that Maggie and Amelia always try to help him, letting the kids talk to him on their phones. She’s glad that her sisters are supporting them in every way they can.

She sighs and sits down on top of the stairs, listening to the melody that’s filling the silence of the house. She hasn’t often had the chance to just let his music calm her, not even to just enjoy it. She thinks the last time she heard him play was right after his father left town and he needed that distraction. He had even sung then, a few songs she knew and some in Italian that she had a hard time understanding. The feelings were clear though. Much like they seem now. Meredith’s never used music to let someone else know what she’s feeling, but it’s something Andrew does and she’s grown quite fond of it. Even if he hadn't played for her yet. She likes it when he lets music tell its own stories. Listening now though... it sounds sad, filled with sorrow, like he’s hurt and doesn’t know what to do about it.  
She knows she’s been acting like an ass the last few days, and she’s not exactly sure why she’s now been having these thoughts and doubts all of a sudden. It’s been working well with them, he’s been so supportive, never asking her to stop what she’s doing. Just…admiring her for it. It’s not something she’s used to. She wonders if it’s her fault that he’s playing the melody like he is. Although...she’s pretty sure that she’s the reason and the realisation lets remorse bubble up inside of her. It’s an ugly feeling and she doesn’t like it very much. She knows though it was unfair of her, the way she’s been treating him lately, but she can’t help herself. Everything was just a little bit too much; overwhelming her in ways she hadn't anticipated and she’d let it out on him. Something he didn't deserve because he's done everything in his power to help her.  
Meredith sighs again and buries her face in her palms, moving just slightly on the stairs which made them creak loudly. She halts in her movements and listens to the silence that suddenly fills the house instead of this sad and heavy melody that has been floating through it before.

"Mer? Is that you?" Andrew's voice makes her look up again and she stands, making her way towards the living room. He's sitting on her sofa, his hands holding his guitar loosely while looking at her questioningly.

She sits down next to him and he moves slightly to make some more room for her.  
She's torn between wanting him closer and being glad he's giving her a little space. It makes her feel guilty again. She knows what she told him when he was in jail for her, knows that she still means every single word of it with everything she has to give. To say she’s confused by herself doesn’t begin to touch what she’s feeling at the moment.

"I'm sorry, I was just listening to you play," Meredith quietly admits after a few minutes, studying the guitar between them instead of him. She thinks if she looks at his probably hurt expression now, that her heart might burst.  
She wonders if she really deserves what he’s given her so far if she can’t seem to give it back to him in the same way.

Andrew’s just looking at her, as if trying to figure out what she’s thinking and she wishes she had answers to give him. But she’s shaken up, everything seems to have fallen from her grasp: her career, her kids. Even their relationship seems to have turned into something made of glass and she fears that she’ll destroy it if she keeps acting like she did the past few weeks.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Andrew’s words break the silence again and Meredith turns her head so fast it hurts. “Please don’t.” The words leave her mouth without her really thinking about it and she stares at him.  
Andrew raises his hand as if wanting to touch her cheek but lets it fall to his side just before it can reach her. Meredith grasps his hand instead, intertwining their fingers, and feels his warmth seep into her skin.  
It seems her heart already has an answer, or at least a direction, whereas her mind seems to be fighting against it. She craves his touch and his closeness, today more than ever before, and she wonders why all these doubts have come up now, when she’s already overcome the biggest hurdle in a relationship - telling someone else than Derek that she loves him.

“Are you alright?” His voice calms her and she lets herself sink against him, burying her head against his collarbone, and takes a deep breath. “I’m f-” she stops herself mid-sentence and sighs, before shaking her head slightly. “I’m not sure.”  
It’s not entirely true, she knows she’s not fine, feels the fear thumping through her with every beat of her heart. It’s the uncertainty of this whole situation that makes her head spin. But she can’t bring herself to open up further, to be more vulnerable when she can't even make a decision about this thing between Andrew and her. But was there ever any other possibility than them being something that lasts? Why is her mind telling her she has to wait for her gut when she was well past that a few weeks ago? She was so sure then. Her gut had already told her everything she needed to know. So what’s changed?

Andrew nods in answer and presses a light kiss to her temple, but stays silent beside her.

“Do you think you could play again?” It’s a rather strange request but after a moment he complies, not asking any questions, and another melody fills the room. This one sounds lighter and more reassuring, as if he’s trying to tell her that he’s here and that he’ll still be here whatever the future brings. Like it's more important to him to support her than it is for him to talk about his hurt feelings.

Meredith lets him play for a while, lets the music calm her. But even when it makes her stop worrying about jail and the upcoming hearing for her license, she can’t shake what she’s done to Andrew lately from her mind. She knows she’s been distant and that he has felt it too. And that she blamed him and accused him of not supporting her, when he was truly only trying to help her. But Andrew still hadn’t stopped being there. He had offered her a hand with the kids which she’d waved off at first and had wanted to give her a little advice even before all that bad stuff with the article happened. And when it blew up in her face she let her anger out on him, saying he didn’t know her at all.  
In hindsight she realises that Andrew never explicitly asked her to stop but rather asked her to wait. And he might’ve been right in saying that. But can she bring herself to admit that out loud?  
Meredith knows she’s stubborn, she has always been. And it was hard not to get defensive after hearing the things Andrew had said to her. She knows now, having had a few days to think about it all, that it wasn’t exactly Andrew or what he had told her, but rather the situation itself. Or more likely what it had reminded her of. Derek.

They’d had a lot of arguments in the years they spent together and she still loves him dearly. But whenever something like this happened - her making a rash decision - Derek was always quick to judge her and got angry. Because at the end of the day, for most of his life, his career held a higher priority to him than she or their family did.  
That’s why Meredith couldn’t believe that Andrew, while criticizing her actions, could still support her nonetheless. Because it’s not something that has happened before.

Meredith closes her eyes and lets out a breath. Her head’s starting to ache from all that she’s been thinking about.

“You should go to bed.” It’s Andrew’s voice again that grounds her back to reality, to this moment they’re sharing.

She ignores his words though. “I think this was the first time you’ve ever played for me.” She feels herself smile and sits back up again, looking into his warm brown eyes.

He shrugs in response and places the guitar on the couch beside him, turning his upper body fully to face her. “Go to bed, Mer. You need the sleep and you really can’t tell what the next few days will be like.” Andrew takes her hands and lets his thumb caress her skin and she’s glad that he doesn’t hold himself back from touching her anymore, at least for the moment. There are still a few things she has to work through and eventually talk through with him and she has no idea how he’ll react to that.

She nods but doesn’t move a centimetre. “I’m sorry, you know?” She looks into his eyes and can feel the confusion. “I meant it all, when I visited you that day, every single word.”

Her blue orbs bore into his intently and Andrew stares at her for a moment, before eventually just nodding. He looks confused and she can’t blame him. It’s confusing.

She kisses him on the cheek before standing up and sighing, making her way to the stairs. “Come to bed later, will you? When you’re done?” She looks at him and waits until he nods again. She can still see the confusion written all over his face and it makes her heart hurt.

“Thank you for playing for me. And I’m sorry for not knowing.” She turns and walks up the stairs, not looking back.

Her bedroom is dark when she walks into it and she slowly lies down, her heart aching painfully in her chest. She thinks she loves him, knows that she does. And yet... she does this. Maybe it’s not about being sure whether she loves him or not, because she is, but more about not being sure if she can give him all he’s ready to give her. He’s gone to jail for her, admitted to a crime he didn’t commit to keep her safe and with her family. It’s overwhelming in a way she hasn’t prepared for.

Meredith shakes her head and turns on her side, facing what’s now become Andrew’s side of the bed. She tucks an arm underneath her head and closes her eyes.  
She hears Andrew start playing another melody and it brings tears to her eyes, because she’s never heard such a sad song before.

She hopes she finds her answers soon. Only to stop hurting Andrew as badly as she is right now. Because she loves him. And she never meant to hurt him like this: the reason for him playing tonight in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you liked it! :)


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